Headstrong

I've dieted, made life alterations, and even lost quite a bit of weight. But one thing that keeps happening is that I end up right where I started plus five more pounds. My life is just like the saying "Take one step forward but three steps back".

I'm tired of stepping back.
I'm tired of being big.
I want something more, and to be proud of myself.

I let a lot of factors control me, and I cast blame onto others. The fact is though, that there is no other to blame but myself. It's not my husband's fault for binging on Jack in the Box. I have a choice to either partake in it or to step away. And it is the choices that I make that are wrong.

Why do I keep making them? Why does that milkshake sing into my ears? Why does it look so good when the gravy is smothering the homemade buttermilk biscuits?

In this day in age, with all the chemical modifications, food tastes better and sweeter than it ever has in the existence of man. The chemically manipulate the food to make our hearts crave for it even though it is those foods that slow our hearts down.

I'm tired of being tricked, fooled, and put right back where I started. I'm tired of feeling regret every time I step on the scale. No matter how many times people tell me that I am beautiful, I don't feel it, and I have never felt it.

It's time I want to feel it.
It's time I did something for me and for my future.

I have what it takes to be powerful. I have the strength, courage, and desire to push forward. What I don't have is a good support team, but why do I rely on them time after time? I am surrounded by overweight people that make the same unhealthy food decisions. We all enable each other. We do not call one another out when there is so much that needs to be eliminated. Why do we keep making the same calorie breaking dishes for the holidays?

I will not let myself get a surgery to fix things or drink a shake until I am skinny.

No.

I won't trick my body into starving itself or making myself puke. I refuse to waste all of my hard earned money on these mirages this city paints to put another dollar in their pockets.

I refuse to be the easiest target.

I want to be strong and able. I don't want to hurt or be out of breath. I want to be a mother and a lover without one day worrying if I took all of the 30 medications after breakfast that are keeping me alive. I want to look in the mirror and see a role model.

Most of all, I just want to find myself and find my happiness. My fat is just a thick layer that is keeping my inner-self from being revealed to the world. And I want her back.

I'm just afraid I'll never get there.