Moments of Clarity

You know when you have that moment of clarity? How about that moment you know you need to set something down and walk away from it for a while? I hit that moment this weekend.

Plans didn't go as well as I had hoped they would this last week. I was dealing with a roach infestation so I had to basically leave my kitchen and bathroom bare for a few days. On top of that, just a few days before my “kick start” I discovered I was counting my macros wrong. Frustrated I said screw it, I’ll start next week, which will be this upcoming Saturday.

So what do I do when things don’t go right, the house is a mess, and I’m stressed? The answer, get my food elsewhere and eats everything and anything that will make me “happy”. Yet it’s funny because I am never actually happy afterwards. I think about what I just ate and the amount I consumed and I feel awful the next day. Upset stomach, headaches, etc.

That’s right.

I think for 4 straight days I didn't cook a thing. I had a viable reason for the first couple of day. Wednesday night the kitchen was now in my living room, up until Friday afternoon so I can’t really blame myself all that much. I had dinner at my parent’s house on Friday, and then made breakfast on Sunday. But all else in between I either skipped a meal or ate out. Out being somewhere where someone else makes my food.

I can’t help but want to dig deeper with myself. Ask questions like “Why are you doing what you’re doing?” or “What is it from fast food that is so unavoidable”? 

Sunday night after a helping of some Mexican food and a McFlurry run at night, I had that moment, that moment where all of my questions were answered. All I could think of was that it is an addiction. The sugar, the salt, the fat, all of it comes together and is so enticing. It snaps, it crackles, pops, crunches, melts, and dances on your taste buds. It’s comforting, filling, warm, fun, and a way to hang out with people.

A transformation has to take place. It’s time when your clothes all of a sudden don’t fit right, you feel constantly bloated, tired, and you get back aches all of the time.

A transformation HAS to take place.

I think 20 years down the road and it is not a pretty place. I do NOT want to be that person. I do not want to give in. I don’t want to give in to its looks, feel, taste, and aroma. I do not want to give in to the lifestyle that comes from eating you.

I will do and use what power I have in me to deter myself from this lifestyle. I may not work out right away, I may not make the healthiest of foods, but in my kitchen, in my home, I have the choice to grab the cookies and call it a night or put on my apron, open my cookbooks and learn a few things.

Who knows, maybe something great can come out of this. For now… Pinterest is looking like it will be my food savior.

Bring on the recipes!

The Resolution I Am After

How many times do we make a New Year's resolution for ourselves that is directed toward fitness and/or health? I know I definitely have. I don't like to say that I have failed that resolution because being a failure is not what you become when you lose track. I've wandered off the path many a times, but somehow I always found my way back. This road of mine is so windy with so many turns, but it is MY road and I have complete control of it. So it's time to take control, and it's time to step up to the plate.

One thing I have always done with a health or fitness goal is dive straight in. This time, I want to be a little different. I want to ease myself (and hopefully my husband too) into a fitter me. Baby steps is really the key to all of this. My husband always mentions "this time I'm going to get a gym membership". Within the past 4 years, I have joined and quite the SAME GYM about six times. I never stayed longer than six months, and neither has my husband. At first, we would go a lot! We'd work out, log our work outs, and feel good about ourselves. But then, there was always something else we had to do or we didn't feel like going. Then one day, you realize that you stopped completely. Same thing goes for dieting.

One thing I want to do differently is not consider my eating habits as dieting. I want this to really become how I eat every day! When you tell yourself "I can't have that", you crave it and then mostly binge out later on. What needs to happen is I cut myself off of a certain ingredient for a month, like sugar, so that way I start to "forget" the taste. Instead of sugary sweet after dinner, I will try to find fruit alternatives, or other things of the sort. After the month of living without sugar, I will take the next step.

Baby steps is the key.

Also, I will not get myself (or my husband) a gym membership until it is earned. I feel like if I have to earn the membership, I will want to go more frequently, and I will feel more accomplished. If you set rewards for yourself, you might be more willing to do things.

Ultimately, I'm tired of being tired, of feeling big and stretched out. I will take this one step at a time, and I will try my hardest not to burn myself out.

Baby steps is the key.

To Do:
1) Start sugar "detox" January 1st.
2) Do not track calories
3) Do not track work outs
4) Enjoy eating "sugar free" (use natural alternatives to help have a cleaner diet)
5) Don't stop blogging

Thanks for your support,

Chelsea

Headstrong

I've dieted, made life alterations, and even lost quite a bit of weight. But one thing that keeps happening is that I end up right where I started plus five more pounds. My life is just like the saying "Take one step forward but three steps back".

I'm tired of stepping back.
I'm tired of being big.
I want something more, and to be proud of myself.

I let a lot of factors control me, and I cast blame onto others. The fact is though, that there is no other to blame but myself. It's not my husband's fault for binging on Jack in the Box. I have a choice to either partake in it or to step away. And it is the choices that I make that are wrong.

Why do I keep making them? Why does that milkshake sing into my ears? Why does it look so good when the gravy is smothering the homemade buttermilk biscuits?

In this day in age, with all the chemical modifications, food tastes better and sweeter than it ever has in the existence of man. The chemically manipulate the food to make our hearts crave for it even though it is those foods that slow our hearts down.

I'm tired of being tricked, fooled, and put right back where I started. I'm tired of feeling regret every time I step on the scale. No matter how many times people tell me that I am beautiful, I don't feel it, and I have never felt it.

It's time I want to feel it.
It's time I did something for me and for my future.

I have what it takes to be powerful. I have the strength, courage, and desire to push forward. What I don't have is a good support team, but why do I rely on them time after time? I am surrounded by overweight people that make the same unhealthy food decisions. We all enable each other. We do not call one another out when there is so much that needs to be eliminated. Why do we keep making the same calorie breaking dishes for the holidays?

I will not let myself get a surgery to fix things or drink a shake until I am skinny.

No.

I won't trick my body into starving itself or making myself puke. I refuse to waste all of my hard earned money on these mirages this city paints to put another dollar in their pockets.

I refuse to be the easiest target.

I want to be strong and able. I don't want to hurt or be out of breath. I want to be a mother and a lover without one day worrying if I took all of the 30 medications after breakfast that are keeping me alive. I want to look in the mirror and see a role model.

Most of all, I just want to find myself and find my happiness. My fat is just a thick layer that is keeping my inner-self from being revealed to the world. And I want her back.

I'm just afraid I'll never get there.